Men Over 50: ED is Your Big, Red Health Flag | Suzanne Noble (Host of Sex Advice for Seniors) | Better Man Podcast Ep. 184

Dean Pohlman: Hey guys, it’s Dean and welcome to the Betterment Podcast. I’ve got Suzanne Noble here. And today we’re going to be talking about sex for men in their 50s and 60s and how your dick is the way to your heart. So Suzanne, thanks for joining me.

Suzanne Noble: Thanks so much for having me on the show. Dean, I’m very excited to talk about this.

Dean Pohlman: Yes. And by the way, if this looks weird video wise or audio wise, our normal podcasting recording stuff did not work. So we’re on a Google meet, so hopefully this is sufficient. But just just throwing that out there. So, you know, you and I met a couple of weeks ago, you reached out to me and I said, oh, this looks really cool.

Dean Pohlman: And so I took a look at your stuff, and I went on your YouTube channel, and I looked at some of the videos that did, well, you know, relative to others, every channel has videos that just tank and other ones that do really well. And the ones that seem to do really well were topics that to me seemed like very basic information, and it suggested that men just have a lot of ignorance around the topic of sex in general, but also in particular sex and aging.

Dean Pohlman: And so I wanted to kind of throw it back to you to start this conversation and let’s just, let’s what do you see as some of the, you know, some of the biggest pieces of not information that people have?

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, I mean, on, on my channel sex advice for seniors, it is mostly men that are subscribing and following me, mostly men in their 50s, 60s and above. And what I’ve discovered is a few things. One is that when it comes to older women, they’re very curious about what turns us on, about how we become aroused and just how they can carry on having sex.

Suzanne Noble: If they have a partner or wife, and they often are struggling themselves with issues around their own changes that are going on in their bodies, things like erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, which may mean that their libido isn’t as high as it once was, and issues around performance just generally. And I find that mostly they respond really well to me because I am a woman of a certain age and they feel that they can trust me.

Suzanne Noble: And also because I have had a lot of experience in this area. And so it’s something that when it comes to learning about this, they don’t really want to hear from some 30 year old babe. They want to hear from somebody who’s kind of been there, done it and can report on, you know what what I’ve discovered out there in the field, if you like, and also just what I’ve learned from the literally hundreds of professionals that I’ve spoken to over the past four years who have been so incredibly knowledgeable in this area about what goes on when we get older, especially with regard to sex and and pleasure.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, well, I think women who are older just also have life figured out more, right? We have a lot of we have a lot of like this idea of the grammar tests. Like if it’s something that your grandma said, like wisdom that your grandma said, then okay, does that pass the grandma wisdom test, which I think there’s just definitely something to that.

Dean Pohlman: But, you know, something that, you know, I want to ask just to reach the guys who are listening to this, to this episode in particular, how do men feel about decreasing libido as they get older? What’s how do they respond to that? What do they think? What do they do?

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, I think a lot of men are suffering in silence. That’s what I’ve discovered. You know, the statistics are that when men start to experience challenges around sex and pleasure with regard to things like declining libido, they often don’t talk to anybody about it. They don’t go seek help from a health care professional. There are the guys that go and, you know, might go and get to form replacement therapy, but by and large, most guys are not are not even either aware of it or they’re not doing anything about it.

Suzanne Noble: They’re not talking to their friends, and often they’re masking their feelings of inadequacy, if you like, by either bravado or by displacement activities if you want. So, you know, I noticed just on a personal level, that lots of men who may be struggling, perhaps with erectile issues, then start to proclaim that they’re the best in oral sex that you’ve ever met.

Suzanne Noble: You know, they’re their oral sex gods. And I always wonder when they tell me that whether that’s because something isn’t happening downstairs and they just don’t want to talk about it, right? It could be that they really are, but but often I find that it’s when men’s erections start to become unreliable, as I like to say that they often start looking at sexual pleasure more as a buffet as opposed to just this one main act, which is something that I think is very common amongst younger men.

Suzanne Noble: Right? It’s just like it’s all about penetrative sex. Whereas when older men start to experience challenges in that area, they have to think, well, what else is out there? What else could I be doing? So sometimes those inadequacies lead to better communication with one’s partner. Better, better intimacy, more expansive ideas of what pleasure looks like. And sometimes it’s exactly the opposite, where they just they just shut down and they go, you know, yeah, I’m not feeling aroused anymore, so I’m not going to do it.

Suzanne Noble: Which, to be honest, is not that different from what I hear men tell me about their wives or their partners in that she’s not interested anymore. She’s not up for it. What can I do to to try and get that intimacy back with my partner? And there are changes that go on in women’s bodies, which do change the way we become aroused and do mean that things are going to have to be different.

Suzanne Noble: And a lot of men really don’t get it.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah. So and I just want to want to be clear about one thing. So I think I read something, or maybe it was in the conversation I had with you that 50% of men over 50 have had some sort of a rectal dysfunction. And I wanted to clarify that getting older doesn’t mean that your penis stops working. It is a correlation, not a causation.

Dean Pohlman: And I think a lot of guys just think like, oh, I’m older now. And so I just don’t do that. And it’s kind of like this defeatist, like, oh, that’s normal. Or it’s like, oh, Dean, you don’t know what you’re talking about because you’re however old I, I’m 36 and like, yeah, I don’t have personal experience with that.

Dean Pohlman: But on the other hand, I also don’t believe that, you know, I’m still going to be doing a lot of I’m going to be doing my best to do a lot of the things that most guys in their 70s probably won’t do. But, you know, I have a different belief around aging. You know, aging means, yes, like recovery gets harder.

Dean Pohlman: Things don’t work like they used to. You have to work around existing. You know, you have to work around recurring injuries and things that accidents that happen throughout your life. And so yes, you have to modify, but that doesn’t mean that you you give up entirely. Things get harder, but you learn. And I’m wondering what is the like?

Dean Pohlman: What is the reality with normal aging and normal, you know, sexual behavior or sex capacity in 5060 70s?

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. Look, there are plenty of men in their 70s and even older who are still able to get and maintain an erection. It’s so erectile function is very complex, as we know. It’s caused by lots of different factors, which could be down to testosterone, which is just one aspect, of course, which is more around your libido and you’re feeling the desire for sex.

Suzanne Noble: And then the other part of it is, well, are you getting penis? You know, are you getting blood into your penis? Right? I mean, that’s the fundamental thing that needs to happen. And often when that is when the heart is struggling to get the blood down there. The problem is often a cardiovascular problem. Could be diabetes, could be prostate issues.

Suzanne Noble: But you know, all of this, most of this stuff is can be rectified with a good diet, with exercise, with looking after your health, with, you know, thinking about some of the environmental factors that might be impacting plastics, you know, stuff in the environment. So, you know, there’s so much that contributes to unreliable erections that men need to consider as they age.

Suzanne Noble: And I think what I’ve seen, you know, I’ve been working with this guy called Ken Shaffer on this program to help men around their erectile function and really to understand the root cause. We’re not we’re not doctors. We’re not trying to say to them, you know, we can solve your problem because in some cases, it might be that they do have a serious chronic health condition, right?

Suzanne Noble: It could be that they’re on a medication, for example, that might be contributing to that, like antidepressants, for example, where, you know, one of the fundamental causes of Ed, if you are on those medications. But all we’re saying is that there are in order to understand it, you have to understand the root cause. And in order to understand the root cause, you have to start being very aware of what’s going on in your body, what you’re putting in your body, what you’re doing to your body on how you can improve your lifestyle.

Suzanne Noble: Before you think about just going off and getting the blue pill, because, you know, the problem that we see around erectile dysfunction is that. And I mean, I did this as a test myself last week, right? I actually went online. I filled out a questionnaire online with a pharmacy as if I was a man. I answered all the questions in the way that I knew that I needed to answer them to get Viagra.

Suzanne Noble: It’s arriving today, right? I’m not a man. I don’t have a rectal dysfunction, obviously, but I want you to see how easy is it to just get a pill, you know? And in the UK where I live, and I suspect in the US as well, it’s really easy, right. And unfortunately, the thing with the pill is that the pill will work for a certain amount of time, but if you’ve got serious health issues, eventually it will stop working.

Suzanne Noble: So if you just go and order a pill online without actually seeking help from a doctor to understand the root cause, the statistics are frightening in that approximately five years from when men start having unreliable erections, if they don’t go get professional help and it’s not treated, they will have some sort of serious event like a heart attack or stroke within five years.

Suzanne Noble: So, you know, on 50% of all men over 50 start having unreliable erections. So this is the time of life. You need to clean your shit up, right? You need to you need to clean up your health. You need to start paying attention to what you’re putting in your body. You need to consult guys like you to actually go, okay, I need to deal with this now.

Suzanne Noble: What do I need to do? Because it’s not it’s not something that you should think about lightly. It’s this is this is men’s big. You know, the thing about erectile dysfunction is that it’s the big red flag to do something about your health. We don’t really have that as women like, you know, I don’t I don’t know if my I only know because I go and see it, you know, a doctor from time to time.

Suzanne Noble: And he looks at my heart and he looks at everything and he goes, yeah, you’re good to go. But if things start going wrong down, down there, that’s that’s the body telling you you need to do something. You need to you need to go see somebody and not like I just did go on mail order and get yourself for blue pills.

Suzanne Noble: Right. That’s not you should be doing.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, right. I mean, and that’s what I’ve learned over the years and doing this podcast and just, you know, learning health in general is that sexual health is much more a reflection of overall health. And so, yeah, if you’re just going to look at, okay, I’m not getting erection. So I’m just going to treat that one part then.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah. You’re you’re missing all these other things. I think what’s also fascinating about, you know, learning about the differences between different kinds of erectile dysfunction. So if you’re looking at erectile dysfunction as the inability to get an erection or to last long enough to, to reach orgasm, it can be there’s so many different things. It can be mental, it can be physical, you know.

Dean Pohlman: But then you look at, you look at premature ejaculation and same thing. You know, most people, they have the physical fitness there. But there’s something mentally going on. It could also be like relationship. Like it could be that you just something about the relationship that you’re in, that in this sexual relationship that you’re in doesn’t makes you nervous, doesn’t, you know, you’re not able to have sex in that in that situation.

Suzanne Noble: So yeah, I mean stress, lack of sleep, you know, I mean like the too much porn, excess dopamine, like the list is almost endless, right. And a lot of it is about ruling out a bit like if you’ve got an allergy, right, you start you start ruling out what could be causing this.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah. So what are those? What are those main things that, you know, when you work with your people? What are some of the the main things that come up is like this is probably a big cause of it.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, certainly stress is a massive factor. Like, are you stressed at work? Are you distracted? Are you, you know, is there things going on in your relationship that are just not working for you? So I think, you know, that’s a massive factor. Diet and lifestyle is huge right? So eating badly fatty foods you know we recommend the Mediterranean diet not getting any exercise.

Suzanne Noble: I mean I’ve spoken to some people who have talked to me, and I can tell just by looking at them like you’re massively overweight, you know, there’s there’s all your body is fighting hard to just like, keep you just active. Never mind try and, you know, get the blood circulating throughout your body. It’s just, you know, you just need to lose weight.

Suzanne Noble: And, you know, porn is a big problem for a lot of people. And it’s, you know, we know that it’s become a really big problem now for younger men. But, you know, men get used to a certain type of stimulation from porn. And then they find it very difficult to get that with their partner because they get this kind of heightened stimulation.

Suzanne Noble: And I’ve certainly seen that, you know, some of the challenges that men my age have is that if they haven’t had a partner for a very long period of time, and they’re used to pleasuring themselves with their hand and, you know, just like women, it gets harder to have orgasms, right, is that they start using a lot of friction.

Suzanne Noble: Guys talk about the death grip, you know, and then when they when they’re with a woman, they’re not getting the same degree of friction. And so they find it really difficult to maintain their erection because they’re just using their hand and they’re using a lot of friction. And over time that will desensitize them, you know?

Dean Pohlman: So what’s the what is the I’m curious about, you know, I’ve always thought of porn as something that, you know, teenagers do in shame in their bedroom. But what are the what? I mean, are there points statistics for like, do you know, the spread of like porn usage for men in their like 30, 40, 50, 60? Like what is the maybe a shocking or surprising figure there or something?

Suzanne Noble: I mean, I don’t have the statistics, but I get people writing to me telling me that their partner’s porn usage clearly a problem. And we know that overuse of porn, I mean, look, I’ve had I’ve had no arguments, but I’ve had discussions with doctors about this and porn in itself, their view. And I kind of tend to agree that porn in itself is not problematic unless it becomes a problem.

Suzanne Noble: Right? Like occasionally watching porn is generally not going to be a massive problem for most men. But if you’re watching it every day, if you can’t get off without watching porn, if you’re finding that you can’t get an erection with your partner, then it’s a problem. So then you have to stop. I mean, generally the thing about porn is it’s a kind of cold turkey situation.

Suzanne Noble: Most of the time is like, you need to stop. And I’ve said that with regard to the death grip thing as well, which is if that’s if that’s your problem and you’re not able to ejaculate, you know, with a woman because you’re used to this incredibly tight grip, like you’ve got to just ease off, use lots of lube when you restart again, just like reset your body.

Suzanne Noble: So a lot of this is just like looking at your lifestyle, looking at your habits and just thinking, what is it that I am doing that could be contributing to what’s happening here? And and again, like I said, a lot of it is just ruling stuff out. You know, if you’re eating every day, you got to stop.

Dean Pohlman: Right? So so I’ve been, you know, a lot of the reading that I’ve been doing on my own and a lot of the conversations I’ve been having some of them on this podcast, some of them off the podcast, it has to do with the the balance between of men and women and feminine and masculine, and how that plays out in what men want from women and what, you know, and I’m, you know, I the concept that I’m thinking of right now comes from this book called No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Dean Pohlman: And the basic premise of the book is that men grew up learning to please the women in their life, and so they grow up trying to please their mom because mom is the one who’s around and they grow up trying to please their their women teachers. Because primarily when you’re in school, you have women teachers, you have women child care givers.

Dean Pohlman: And then, you know, dads gone a lot. So you see dad a little bit. But the point is you kind of learn up just you grow up pleasing, trying to please women. And then you enter that same dichotomy with the relationship with your with your partner, with your wife. And so now you’re in this relationship with your wife where all you want to do is pleaser because you’re scared that you’re going, she’s going to leave you or she’s not going to take care of you if you don’t.

Dean Pohlman: You know, if you if you don’t please her. And so how does that you know, I want to take that into like, sex like, and ask, what do women actually want from men when it comes to sex? Like, do they want you to say, I love going down and I will go down and I’m I’m going down. God, I can’t get in, but I’m going down.

Dean Pohlman: God. Or do they like, what do they want? What do you want?

Suzanne Noble: I mean, I think everybody I think it’s fair to say that confidence in all forms is sexy, right? Being confident and clear in your communication about what you like and you don’t like when it comes to sex is super sexy. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more emphatic about wanting to know what my partner finds exciting and a turn on.

Suzanne Noble: And equally, I want to be able to share that with them as well. I think often we grow up without any vernacular around sex and sexual pleasure, so we just kind of assume that we all know what we’re doing until things don’t work. And I think that both women and men find confidence, insects and confidence around talking about sex sexy.

Suzanne Noble: So I think the more we can be clear about what we enjoy, I’ve developed this free tool. It’s called the yes no maybe checklist. And it literally is exactly that. It is a list of 70 questions that you answer from I like kissing in public to I like being spanked roughly on the bottom right, like like all sorts of things.

Suzanne Noble: And it’s like I like giving, I like receiving, I like both, or I don’t like this at all. Or I’m willing to consider this. Right. Because often we don’t know what we don’t know. And this is a tool that opens up the communication in a really fun, kind of gamified way between two people. It only shows what has matched or is a maybe.

Suzanne Noble: So the nose just get parked so you don’t see the nose. You only see the yes and the maybes. And I think that’s really attractive is it’s just knowing what it is that we, that we both want. And I think equally being clear when things aren’t working as well as they could. And I think that’s also really difficult.

Suzanne Noble: I know even with my friends, my female friends, that they sometimes struggle to articulate what they actually want because sometimes they’ve done absolutely no work themselves to know what gives them pleasure. So, you know, women weren’t taught, we weren’t brought up to masturbate. We it was a very, you know, a lot of it just wasn’t ever spoken about.

Suzanne Noble: So we kind of assumed that men just know what we what’s going to. And it’s like, how are they going to know this?

Dean Pohlman: How are they going to know if they just use porn to learn.

Suzanne Noble: Well or if you don’t know yourself? I mean, like so many women just don’t even know them selves. What turns them on then they expect men to deliver them orgasms. And what I always say is like, no, we give ourselves orgasms. We we. If I’m distracted or I’m having a stress day, like I’m just not going to come, it’s not happening, right?

Suzanne Noble: But if I’m relaxed, if I’m feeling good, if I know that my partner really desires me and I’m hearing that, then you know it’s going to go off. And because my brain’s going to let it happen. But yeah, we deliver our own orgasms like nobody’s giving this to us. So, you know, I think there’s a there’s a whole bunch of things that we just haven’t.

Suzanne Noble: We just haven’t been taught. We just. We just don’t know how to talk about sex.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah. So the first thing I’m hearing is this, like this, this idea of this. Yes. No maybe checklist this to do this exercise on your own just for you. If you’ve never asked yourself, what do I like, what do I want? But then also being able to get through the, you know, the the initial discomfort of having a conversation about sex with your partner, I know that, you know, just for me, I know that was hard when I first said, hey, like, do you like when I do this?

Dean Pohlman: Or like, what do you feel about this? Or like, hey, we used to do this, do you still want to do that? Which is, which can be really awkward. And but you know, it’s it’s part of, you know, if you don’t talk about it, it’s not going to, you know, it’s not going to improve, it’s not going to get fixed.

Dean Pohlman: And I think what the guys in their 50s and 60s probably experience is, you know, men’s penises are a lot simpler for most part 30s, 2030s, teens, 30s, 2040s, right. Then a woman’s sexual health or so you know, it’s a lot easier for a normal guy in his 40s to get a, get an orgasm than a woman or during sex.

Dean Pohlman: And so when we do get to that point in our 50s and 60s and things don’t work, we’re like, I have no idea how to fix this. And I so I get that.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, completely. And I think also women are very unfortunately, health care professionals are very, very poor talking to most genders at talking to everybody frankly about sex. They’re just most most of them. What we’ve discovered is that most doctors would rather do anything than talk about sex. Right. So, you know, I remember when I first started to experience some discomfort around having penetrative sex.

Suzanne Noble: Went to see my doctor, and I think his first reaction was, well, you know, you’re an older woman and that’s what happens, right? Go get some lube. And and I was like, okay, so that was my first thing is like went off and got some lube. And it was actually through a friend of mine who runs a sex toy company that I was, you know, was talking about this and stuff and saying, it’s still pretty painful, you know, and she was saying, well, you know, what about vaginal estrogen?

Suzanne Noble: What aren’t you on that? And I said, I don’t know anything about that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. And then she said, well, it’s just a topical thing. It just goes down there. It’s not, you know, it’s not the same as like a patch or anything. And I was like, I don’t know anything about that. I did some, you know, obviously went off, googled was like, oh my God, that’s what I need.

Suzanne Noble: And, you know, I went to a doctor. I think it was just a phone call. Actually, I think I just said, I need this stuff. He said, yeah, sure, I’ll write your prescription. I got that. It literally transformed my life, like in a way that I could never have expected. And and I can stay on that for the rest of my life.

Suzanne Noble: And, and nobody told me anything about this. And, you know, equally with men, I think there are some really simple things that guys can do. Like, for instance, erection rings, right? I mean, blood does often leave the penis because events leak. It’s a thing. It’s very common amongst guys with and above. Go get yourself a ring.

Dean Pohlman: Guys like yeah.

Suzanne Noble: This is.

Dean Pohlman: A this is a really interesting thing to me because we have a lot of gay men in the mantle yoga community and a lot of gay listeners. And so there’s like a joke about five doctors going to a conference of some sort. And like all of the gay doctors say like, oh, yeah, of course, a cock ring. And the one straight doctor’s like, what?

Dean Pohlman: So cock rings are very much a normal thing within the gay community, but a lot of straight guys don’t know about Cochran’s. We actually, I actually partner with a company called Firm Tech who you’re also familiar with. It’s like they they brand themselves kind of as the aura ring for your cock. There you go. That’s what it looks like.

Dean Pohlman: Can you hold that up? Okay. So that’s that is that is what it looks like if you never if you’ve never seen a penis before, that’s what it looks like.

Suzanne Noble: The thing about this ring that’s so awesome, right?

Dean Pohlman: By the way, if you’re if you’re listening right now and you don’t see the video, we are showing the firm tech cock ring on a penis model. So you get to see how you actually put it on.

Suzanne Noble: And yeah, and it’s so easy to get on and off, you know, and it’s a, it’s and your partner can do it. It’s like super fast, super easy. It gives you great orgasms. It keeps the blood in your penis like it’s it’s just like a no brainer. This and and obviously because I’ve done work with firm tech and I think they’re awesome I, you know, they’re part of my little arsenal.

Suzanne Noble: And so when I’m with an older guy and I’ve got what, you know and I see okay he’s it’s all, you know ready to go I just literally take on a big foot. Just sling it on. I’m like, do you mind if I just put this on you? And he’s like, no. And I go, great.

Dean Pohlman: I mean, you can ask the guy to pretty much do anything in that situation and he’ll say, yeah, whatever you need me to do. Yes.

Suzanne Noble: This thing on and it takes like two seconds. And honestly, they’re like, what was that thing? That thing’s amazing, right? And I’m like, it’s an erection ring. And and, you know, it blows. It literally blows their mind because no one’s ever told them that. This is like a super simple way to just keep the blood in the penis.

Suzanne Noble: It doesn’t hurt. Yes. The only thing I would say about this particular ring is shave around the area. So because people are like, oh, the hairs stick, it’s a bit uncomfortable, whatever, to shave the area, it’s not a big deal.

Dean Pohlman: And also, what’s also cool about that is the firm tech also measures the health of your penis. So I think something is cool is if you can’t get an erection when you’re awake. But if the firm tech tells you, oh, you’re getting nocturnal erections, then it can tell you. Okay, well, it’s probably something mental. It’s not something physical.

Dean Pohlman: Which is.

Suzanne Noble: Which is amazing. It’s amazing. I mean, the tech ring is, you know, again, it’s like a Fitbit for your dick. And it’s a it’s a great product and you can use it as an erection ring as well. But this one is actually the max PR, which is just the erection ring without the sensor in it. But you know, and but it’s stuff.

Suzanne Noble: Look, it’s stuff like this. Simple tools that older men and women can use to support their sexual life and their pleasure. And, you know, they don’t cost a lot of money, but nobody talks about it.

Dean Pohlman: And that’s and that’s what I want to that’s another topic I want to get into is just having conversations about sex. And this is something that I talked about with a guy who’s closer to my age and overall life situation right now, and we were talking about or he brought up how, you know, most men just don’t talk about sex.

Dean Pohlman: We talk about sex when we’re in our 20s. But it’s it’s very much in like a derogatory like, oh, I, I effed her right. Or like it’s like, oh, look what I did this. I, you know, I had sex with her and I never called her back. Right. It’s like it’s this very soft, more like kind of young bragging kind of way.

Dean Pohlman: But there’s very few conversations. I don’t think I would say like 98% of people never talk about sex with their if they’re married. And it’s almost like this expectation like, oh, I don’t talk about that out of respect for my partner. But something that I’ve done recently is I have a I created a little men’s dads meetup group, and one of the guys in it, like I had a conversation with him like, hey, I had this.

Dean Pohlman: I had this podcast interview a couple weeks ago, and it was it was really interesting to me because we talked about how men don’t talk about sex with anybody. And so I started I just had a conversation. I led that into a conversation. I’m like, yeah, like, how often do you guys have sex? Like, oh, it’s around. It sounds like it’s cyclical to you guys.

Dean Pohlman: So when she’s close to her period, then she’ll have more sex. I never even thought about that being a thing. And so and you’re like, you know, I didn’t ask much more specifics than that, but that was the first time that I’ve ever had a conversation with a friend about sex as a married guy with kids. So, like, what does.

Dean Pohlman: Can you talk about that and how that can help with, you know, this whole thing of sex in 5060s?

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. I mean, from all the conversations I’ve had with the professionals, they the number one thing that everyone agrees on is the importance of communication in your relationship and talk and the ability to talk about sex and, you know, things that you like and things that you don’t like, and also changes going on in your body that maybe might make you feel a bit uncomfortable.

Suzanne Noble: I mean, Esther Perel is, you know, one of my goddesses, and she’s got some really great tools that she uses. And years ago I had a partner and he was not very you know, he was quite he hadn’t had very many partners. He was not very comfortable talking about sex. And so it was much more of a kind of gentle discussion, which started with something which was not sexual at all, but was an little game that she created, which is just writing down.

Suzanne Noble: I turned myself on when I turn myself off when and by the way, it doesn’t have to be sexual things. This could be like I turn myself off when I eat too much at dinner and I feel really overly full, right? Like I don’t stop myself, I feel gluttonous, I turn myself off when I feel gluttonous and I turn myself on when I’m in my partner’s case.

Suzanne Noble: He returned to visual arts. He was painting. When I’m in my studio and I’m painting, I turn myself on when I’m painting. So some of the things that we can do just to bring ourselves closer to our partner, is to know what gives them joy. Right? And now we’re not necessarily talking about sexual joy. We’re just talking about the things that like them up.

Suzanne Noble: Because when our partner is lit up, they are sexy, right? Like, I loved seeing him in his element. Like I found that great. And now I found it sad when I knew that he’d done something that was not something that he felt good about. So understanding what gives us joy, not just in bed, but out of bed. And I think that one of the things that my recent guest said to me, which is I thought was a really, also really interesting, was to look at your calendar and look at how much time you’ve prioritized actually being with your partner.

Suzanne Noble: And she has a 3% rule, which is a 3% of your week should be spent with your partner. 3%. Well, not talking.

Dean Pohlman: About bar.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, I’m not talking about when you’re asleep. I’m just talking about like actually like intentionally with your partner for 3%, it seems really low. But actually if you compare it to the amount of time we work, the amount of time we sleep, the amount of time we’re just like eating food, you know, like just doing activities, going off to the gym, you know, like hanging out with our friends, all the other stuff that we do like, how much time do we actually commit to being with the person that we’re with and when we break down our calendar, she said.

Suzanne Noble: Often, that’s when she’s able to see why the relationship isn’t going so well. It’s because the calendar is prioritizing everything but the relationship.

Dean Pohlman: I’m doing some mental math, trying to figure out what is 3% of 3% of the hours in one week. And I, I.

Suzanne Noble: Think I think it’s like, what, like a couple of hours maybe, or something.

Dean Pohlman: Like 2.5 hours every be 2.5 hours every four days.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. So like, yeah.

Dean Pohlman: No close I don’t know what’s 24 hours. We can wait. We can do math 24 hours, four days, 3%. So it’s 3%. Wow. My brain is just not working. I’m sure people are listening to this thinking. I just can’t do it under pressure. That’s that’s the problem. So out of 100 hours, which is four days, 3% is three hours, so three hours every four days, or let’s say 5.5 hours in a week.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. So in one day, 24 hours it’s seven two. So it’s roughly three quarters of an hour. Right. So 4545. So 45 minutes, 45 solid minutes a day just on your relationship. Right. Okay. Which, which actually when you break it down like that and you think about all the other stuff that you do, like, do you actually spend 45 minutes a day, like talking to your partner, like how.

Dean Pohlman: No, I have I have two young kids, so I definitely don’t. But it’s a it’s a great it’s a great goal to have. But you’re kind of actually getting at the next question that I want to have. And I think we’ll get close to wrapping it up after that. But how do I think, you know, when I think about how to have a better sex life, it’s actually, you know, it’s very much a the answer is like, don’t put so much pressure on it and improve the other parts of life, rather than if you go into this with like, hey, you and I are going to sit down and we’re going to have like the

Dean Pohlman: best sex life, and we’re going to talk about how to how to do that, like, but only stay within the realm of sex to do that. I think that’s probably the totally wrong way to do it. So, you know, when you’re helping men have more, you know, when you’re helping men have a, you know, improve their overall sex lives.

Dean Pohlman: If we’re looking at, you know, let’s say they’re let’s say they’re healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, they’re able to get and maintain an erection. What are the other areas that we want to look at to, you know, improve the relationship between the couple so that sex life gets better?

Suzanne Noble: I mean, you know, I think it goes back to the 3% rule, doesn’t it? Which is which is active listening. You know, doing doing things together. My my mother has a great one, which is that she believes that, you know, marriage is about sharing life’s experiences with another person. And I think that is for me, like when I look at what, what good relationships are, it’s about having somebody in your life that you can share experiences with in that way where you feel like, great, you know, we watch that movie together and now we can talk about it, right?

Suzanne Noble: We can go, hey, that was a great movie. That was really fun. The way that guy did that or whatever. It’s it’s about it’s about recognizing the things going back to those things that give you joy and allowing each of you to experience that joy, both between yourselves and independently. And I think, again, you know, Esther Pearl is great for distance breeds desire is what she always says.

Suzanne Noble: And I think that’s for me, that’s so fundamental for good relationships is to give people that degree of independence that retains some element of mystery for you. So not trying to understand every single thing, not trying to finish your partner sentences, not trying to say, oh, I know, you know, I know what’s going on in your mind. Know like leave there needs to be some degree of mystery that’s retained, you know, so that if you go and see your partner, you know, you go out to a work function for, for example, and she goes off and she starts talking to some people and you’re talking to some other people.

Suzanne Noble: And you look across the room and she’s just like smiling an inner element and looking really great. And you think she’s, you know, she’s just she looks I’m so pleased to be with somebody who’s able to experience that without having to be clinging by my side. Right. To be able to experience that degree of joy independently, it makes people really attractive.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah. And I think that brings up, you know, something that I’ve recognized in my own relationship. And I think this goes back to that no more Mr. Nice Guy kind of concept that I talked about, which is this desire to make sure that women are happy at all times. Otherwise we fear rejection or abandonment. But, you know, I notice, like my initial tendency, if my wife is upset is like, oh, let me like, let me, let me help you.

Dean Pohlman: Let me fix the situation. Let me, let me be on top of you to like, fix it for you. And she’s like, and really in that situation she’s like, just get off me. Like I’m fine. Let me have my let me have my emotions. Like, don’t like invalidate what I’m, you know, don’t tell me that I shouldn’t feel this way right now or don’t try to fix it for me.

Dean Pohlman: Just leave me alone. And sometimes she won’t say that or she’ll feel, you know, my wife is. We’ll call her an empath. So, like, you know, in those situations when I’m like, okay, I know she wants to be alone, so I’m going to leave and then I’ll leave and I’ll go in the other room. And then like a few minutes later, she’ll be like, are you mad at me?

Dean Pohlman: Why are you in here? I’m like, I know what you want right now. I know that you want to be on your own, so I’m giving you that space. She’s like, yeah, but like, are you going to be mad at me if I do that? I’m like, no, I’m not. I’m trying not to be. I’m working on it.

Dean Pohlman: It is uncomfortable for me. But I know that you want your space, so I’m trying to give that to you.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, yeah. And I think that’s all about communication as well. It’s like, look, I recognize that, you know, you you really like to protect me and to and to to, you know, remove any feelings of sadness that I might have. But sometimes I just need to sit with that, and I just. And I just at this moment, that’s the moment I just want to sit with it.

Suzanne Noble: So I just need you to kind of respect that I still love you. I still think you’re awesome. But at this moment I just want to sit with my sadness. So, like, do whatever you need to do, right? I’m good, I’m good. And that’s. And that’s what good communication between people is all about, really, is just being able to express who you are without feeling like the other person feels like they’re being blamed or shamed, or they’ve done something wrong, or it’s all their fault.

Suzanne Noble: And you know, that’s never going to that’s never going to contribute to a good, good relationship.

Dean Pohlman: Is it? Yeah. So you have a I want to bring this up and then move into a rapid fire question. So you have a course to help men with this and I what is it called.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah. So me and Ken Shaffer have put together a five module course called the Stay Firm Program. And it is basically designed to help men who really don’t want to take that blue pill and want to figure out what the root cause of their erectile dysfunction might be. And it goes through step by step, including when you go to see your doctor, questions that you can ask him or her because often you’re ashamed or you just don’t know the right questions to ask.

Suzanne Noble: Things like how to read your testosterone levels so that if you do get asked to and you do go for a test to look at the levels of your testosterone, what those results might mean. So you’re a little bit more informed. And then things like changes that you can make to your diet and your health, just generally to help you to overcome your Ed.

Suzanne Noble: We’re not against the use of pills because sometimes they are necessary. But we do believe that a lot of Ed could be solved without the use of medication. And we want to help more men to be able to do that.

Dean Pohlman: Cool. All right. And we’re going to put a link for that in the show notes here. And we also have a code. So it’s MFI 15 if you want to check that out and give it a shot. And just make sure that you’re doing the right things. If you’re struggling in this area, make sure you’re doing the right things.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, yeah. And so let’s get into our rapid fire questions. These are fun because I don’t have a lot of women on the podcast. So I’m curious to see what your answers are. What what do you think is one habit, belief or mindset that has helped you the most in terms of your overall happiness?

Suzanne Noble: Oh god, this is supposed to be a question. Having supportive having a really supportive family.

Dean Pohlman: Okay, what is one thing that you do for your health that you believe is overlooked or undervalued by others?

Suzanne Noble: I well, I work out three times a week and I prioritize that.

Dean Pohlman: Okay. What’s the most stressful part of your day to day life?

Suzanne Noble: Oh, God. The most stressful part of my day to day life is fitting everything in on my to do list.

Dean Pohlman: Okay? And then as the as the self-proclaimed older woman who knows men better than they know themselves, what do you think is the biggest challenge facing men and their wellbeing right now?

Suzanne Noble: I hate to say it, but loneliness. And I just don’t think that enough men have friends and I don’t think that they prioritize relationships.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, you know, that makes me think. And this is this is your rapid fire question. But it does make me think, just because I know you’re based in London and something that I noticed when Marissa and I went to London a couple of years ago, and I actually did a manual yoga workshop, I was there. I want to do another one next year, by the way.

Dean Pohlman: So 2027 London, here we come. But something that I noticed about guys in London versus guys in the United States, we saw a lot of men just out having lunch together, which like you don’t see that in the United States, like these were guys who they were clearly platonic relationships. These were mates, you know, and they were just out having lunch with their friend.

Dean Pohlman: I was like, hey, that’s really cool. You don’t see that a lot in the United States.

Suzanne Noble: Well, don’t forget that we have a massive drinking culture here. Right on. The pub is a big social center, right? And so the drinking of beer, football or, you know, or soccer as you call it, right? Sports, rugby, all that kind of stuff is a is the way that men comfortably feel okay about being together. Right. And so and so they will gather together at the pub like I can walk to my local pub right now, which is on my corner, and I will probably find 3 or 4 guys sitting there nursing a pint of lager.

Suzanne Noble: And that is that’s really common and that’s often the way they socialize, right? But if you’re a person who doesn’t drink, I mean, my best friend is, is is a guy and he doesn’t drink. And it’s really hard if you’re not a guy that drinks in this country because people are like, what? Not even one. You’re like, no, none.

Dean Pohlman: Well, well. And Na’s are a thing now, so I’ll do a lot of I’ll do and I’ll do nonalcoholic more often. Nonalcoholic beers. Not often than not, you can just pretend it’s a normal, normal beer. If you don’t want to sell out of the people, you’re not doing it. But. Yeah. All right. Well, one more question. What’s a good Esther for real book to read?

Dean Pohlman: Because I actually haven’t read any. And I want a recommendation from you.

Suzanne Noble: Well, the first one is the classic mating in captivity.

Dean Pohlman: Mating in captivity. Captivity. Maybe that’s a cactus. What is captivity? Captivity. There we go.

Suzanne Noble: Mating is the is is her classic book.

Dean Pohlman: Okay, on the list.

Suzanne Noble: And it is, you know, some although it’s, you know, I think it’s it might be coming up to 20 years old now or something. It’s, it’s and some of the information may be slightly dated, but I think a lot of her attitude towards relationship, certainly for me at the time was really revolutionary because I felt at the time when she wrote it that I was very isolated in my own thinking about relationships, which were very aligned to her own.

Suzanne Noble: I was like, Thank God, somebody finally saying, well, I’d been thinking and talking about for so long. So it’s a great book.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, well, I always like reading books that are like 20 years old because it’s before social media. So it’s like when you watch something on TV or when you open your fax machine, you’re like, what? What is this thing? Oh, anyways. All right. Well, Suzanne, thank you so much for coming on and having this conversation. I appreciate your wisdom as well as your expertise in this topic.

Suzanne Noble: Thank you so much for having me.

Dean Pohlman: Yeah, and I do want to encourage people check out the program, but at a minimum go to the YouTube channel if you have curious if you have questions around sex and just see some of the videos she has there. And it’s called.

Suzanne Noble: Sex advice for seniors.

Dean Pohlman: Sex advice for seniors. Okay. All right. That that that says what it is and who it’s for. Very well. All right. Well guys listening in I hope you enjoyed this. I hope it inspires you to be better man. And I’ll see you on the next episode.

Dean Pohlman: All right. Okay. Great. And then we’ll just have people cut. We’ll have them cut the ending here and then. Yeah. But great. That was that was that was great.

Suzanne Noble: Thank you. A few times.

Dean Pohlman: Good. Yes.

Suzanne Noble: As you know.

Dean Pohlman: You’re in Austin.

Suzanne Noble: Oh, nice. I’ve always wanted you to go there. There was just south. South by southwest. Just was in London last week.

Dean Pohlman: Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah. I thought I saw I saw something about South by Southwest being like, in different places now. So London’s one of them.

Suzanne Noble: Yeah, it was last week and there were a few interesting people here. I got tickets for the music one, and then I didn’t go and do any of it, but that’s the way it goes in it, as I say in London.

Dean Pohlman: Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Yeah. We watched we actually watched Marissa watches Love Island. So. Oh my. God UK. That’s her. That’s her British accent exposure.

Suzanne Noble: My younger son I remember when the last episode, the last season of Love Island, he and my younger son is 32. And he and his like, that’s all they talked about. And I was like, aren’t you a bit too intelligent to be doing this? And he was like, It’s mom. It’s just mindless fun. You know? It’s really silly.

Suzanne Noble: But yes. Yeah, but always a good time. All right.

Dean Pohlman: Good talking with you.

Suzanne Noble: And I’ll make that promo code for you now before I forget.

Dean Pohlman: Okay, cool. And then. Yeah, we’ll I’ll give this all to my assistant and make sure we have everything and she’ll put together. We’ll probably looking at July or August for this.

Suzanne Noble: Perfect. That’s great. All right. Thanks a lot, Dean. Take care. Bye bye.

Dean Pohlman: Hey, guys, it’s Dean interrupting my own podcast to talk about magic mind. Magic mind is a caffeine supplement that I’ve been using for the last few years. It’s something that I use as a alternative to coffee some days, and also something that I use maybe right before I do a podcast or from a video as a way to get a energy boost without the crash that usually accompanies caffeine.

Dean Pohlman: If you want to try it out. I put a link in the show notes below, but it’s a nice little supplement. It’s a drink two ounces that you can take just for a little boost of energy. A little more focus throughout your day. Give it a shot. Let me know what you think.

Dean Pohlman: Hey guys, it’s Dean interrupting my own podcast to talk about Magic mind. Magic mind is a caffeine supplement that I’ve been using for the last few years. It’s something that I use as a alternative to coffee some days, and also something that I use maybe right before I do a podcast or from a video as a way to get a energy boost without the crash that usually accompanies caffeine.

Dean Pohlman: If you want to try it out. I put a link in the show notes below, but it’s a nice little supplement. It’s a drink two ounces that you can take just for a little boost of energy. A little more focus throughout your day. Give it a shot. Let me know what you think.

Dean Pohlman: Hey guys, it’s Dean interrupting my own podcast to mention firm tech. If you’ve heard of Firm Tech, you’ve heard this episode before. This is basically an aura ring for your penis. It helps you measure the health of your penis. It helps you measure the strength of your erections, blood flow, how often you’re getting erections at night, which is great for sexual health as well as your overall health.

Dean Pohlman: If you’re interested in learning more. Check out the link and the promo code that I have in the show. Notes.

Dean Pohlman: Hey guys, it’s Dean interrupting my own podcast to tell you about some upcoming Manolo Yoga events. We have wellness weekends that are happening in Phoenix, Seattle, and Atlanta. If you’re interested in joining me there, meeting others within the Mantle Yoga community, this is an amazing weekend full of yoga improvements, inspiration for your fitness, and community connection. Link is in the show notes.

Dean Pohlman: Super early bird is going on now.

Dean Pohlman: Hey guys, interviewing my podcast to talk about rapid release. This is a mobility tool that I have been obsessed with for the last few months. It’s something that I use when I’m watching TV. It’s my go to pain relief tool. If I have muscle tightness or soreness, that’s causing pain, and it has been an amazing complement to my overall fitness and my mobility practice.

Dean Pohlman: If you want to learn more, go to the link in the show notes below, and then use the Mantle Yoga Code there for a pretty nice discount.

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